


Learning to Love You Again

by The_Busy_Beee



Series: I Can't Breathe Past My Love For You [3]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Attempted Suicide, Cutting, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Eventual Happy Ending, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Hanahaki Disease, M/M, Self-Harm, Time Skips
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-25
Updated: 2019-01-25
Packaged: 2019-10-16 04:00:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17542280
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Busy_Beee/pseuds/The_Busy_Beee
Summary: Kenma is terrified of having Hanahaki Disease at ten years old, so he opts for the only known procedure that will save his life.Kuroo can't accept that.Or:Kenma loses the ability to love again, and Kuroo refuses to take that laying down.(Set in the same universe as Sorry Tsukki, but can be read as a stand alone.)





	Learning to Love You Again

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again! ^w^/
> 
> I know the series has been marked as complete, and I really did intend to let it go, but this idea wouldn't leave me. xD
> 
> So, please enjoy some angsty KuroKen.
> 
> NOTE:  
> There are mentions of self harm (cutting) and an attempted suicide. No body dies, but I don't want anyone saying "I wasn't prepared for this!" 
> 
> Enjoy!

When Kenma wakes up with a mouthful of flower petals, he's scared. He knows what's about to happen. So, he allows himself one day to mourn what he knows he can never have. 

 

It's Sunday, but Kuroo is spending the summer vacation with his grandparents, so there's no worry of surprise visits. Kenma's parents have decided to use the good weather for a date, so Kenma doesn't bother to stifle his sobs in the empty house.

 

He's studied Hanahaki Disease in school; wrote a report on it and everything. He knows all the possible outcomes and treatment options. 

 

He's going to have the plant removed before it has a chance to spread.

 

\---

 

When Mister and Missus Kozume arrive home in the early evening, Kenma is wrapped in a thick blanket on the couch, game console gripped tightly in his hands. His eyes are swollen and red rimmed, and Mrs. Kozume knows immediately that this isn't a case of playing games for too long.

 

“Kenma, sweetie? Is everything alright?” She kneels beside the couch, hand placed comfortingly on the young boy's knee. Kenma's silent for a moment, lips tucked under his teeth. There's a small explosion from the handheld device followed by a loud “YOU LOSE!” and Kenma carefully places the purple console into his lap.

 

“I've been spitting up flowers today.”

 

Mrs. Kozume's face falls and she purses her lips.

 

“Kenma, that's not something to joke about.” But even as she chastises him, she knows it has to be true. Her son was never the kind of person to lie or joke about something so serious. Kenma frowns.

 

“If you don't believe me, you can check the trash.” He nods his head towards the end of the couch and Mrs. Kozume stares at the pale blue waste bin. 

 

Before she even reaches the bin, she knows she'll find a pile of flower petals there, but she can't help the sharp inhale when she actually sees them. The pink and yellow petals contrast with the white of the trash bag, and her throat is tightening around a knot.

 

“I want The Extraction.” Kenma's voice is small, but it sounds so very loud at that moment.

 

“What?” Mrs. Kozume asks softly as she turns to face her only son.

 

“I know the risks and benefits. I know what will happen if I don't have the surgery. I want it removed.” Kenma doesn’t talk to the ground like he usually would. His gaze is confident and sure, eyes locked on to his mother's watery gaze. Mrs. Kozume wonders where she was when her son became this independent, assured young man.

 

She wipes her eyes and sniffs before nodding her head decisively, bobbed black hair fluttering around her cheeks.

 

“Okay. Okay, we'll have The Extraction done immediately.”

 

\---

 

Except it isn't done immediately.

 

The doctors at the hospital are all amazed by the condition. Kenma, being only eleven, is the youngest person on record to report having Hanahaki Disease, beating out the previous thirteen year old who chose to die with her love. Kenma will be the youngest person to have The Extraction, and no one is quite sure how to go about it.

 

Surgery on children is vastly different from surgery on adults, and no one is sure exactly which procedure would be safest. Doctors talk for hours, and tests are run repeatedly. Kenma spits up more flowers, and his mother paces the halls. 

 

Before it's all said and done, somehow the press catches wind of the situation, and Mr. Kozume has to call in all kinds of favors at his work to try and cover the incident; to protect his son's privacy. Kenma is grateful; he doesn't want to have to go back to school in a couple weeks as a “celebrity”. Who knows what the kids would say.

 

Eventually, the doctors decide that multiple different specialists will be needed on hand, and that extra precautions will need to be taken. The Kozume's give their consent after asking Kenma for the fifth time if he's  _ sure _ . 

 

“The effects will be permanent. There's no going back after this, Sweetie.”

 

Kenma knows that. There wouldn't be any going back even if he didn't have the surgery.

 

The surgery is scheduled for two days later, to give everyone time to prepare for this fascinating medical first.

 

Kenma spends those days curled on the couch with a video game. He ignores Kuroo's calls, spits out more flowers, and writes a letter. His penmanship isn't perfect, but he can read it and that's all that matters.

 

Kenma knows who his feelings are for, but there's no need for anyone else to. Still, he doesn't want to forget this. The soft and fluffy yet heart wrenching feeling. He knows he'll never feel this again, and he's terrified. 

 

He folds the letter tight, seals it with an orange cat sticker, and presses it between two volumes of a manga he never reads. Kenma curls in bed the night before surgery and cries softly, mourning a love- a life he never got to have.

 

\---

 

_ You're about to do something very scary, but necessary. You'll forget how you feel right now, and you won't feel it again, but don't ever forget that you loved him. _

 

_ Kuroo gives you butterflies. He makes you feel warm and light and silly. He makes you want to try. _

 

_ Don't forget how much you loved Kuroo. _

 

_ \--- _

 

The surgery takes hours longer than expected due to everyone's hesitancy, but eventually Kenma is placed in a room for recovery. The procedure was a success.

 

Mrs. Kozume cries.

 

\---

 

When Kenma wakes late that evening, he feels groggy. A warmth is surrounding his hand that doesn't feel like a blanket. He manages to force his eyes open and finds a sleeping, messy head of black hair laying next to him. 

 

Kuroo is holding his hand. Kenma closes his eyes once more, body still too exhausted to wake up, and sleeps.

 

He doesn't let go of Kuroo's hand.

 

\---

 

Kuroo thinks it was his heart. Kenma wants to tell him that's ridiculous, but then he'd have to admit why he really had surgery. 

 

And he definitely can't do that.

 

So he lets Kuroo believe that he had surgery on his weak heart and that now he's better than ever. He promises to play volleyball with Kuroo as soon as he's recovered. Kuroo smiles and nods, more excited than Kenma would ever understand.

 

\---

 

For all that things seemed the same, Kenma could feel the difference. Or, more precisely, he  _ couldn't feel _ .

 

“Unfortunately, it's a common side effect. Instead of simply removing the ability to fall in love again, sometimes the surgery can cause a loss of any and all emotions. Some people have regained certain feelings, like happiness or sadness, but the majority… don't.” The doctor trails off sadly. 

 

Mrs. Kozume cries some more, and Mr. Kozume throws himself into his work. Kenma just tries to make it through. He was never very expressive before, but now, he can't even pretend.

 

Should he be sad right now? Or put on a brave face?

 

Kenma has no idea what he's doing, but he's trying. He wants his mom to stop crying and for his friend to stop asking “What's wrong?”

 

So he tries harder. 

 

He watches people more closely. He reads people, their emotions, their next move; he figures out his placement in relation to the people and him. It becomes one big game. And if there's one thing Kenma excels at, it's games.

 

For his mother and father, he softens his tone. He forces a smile here and there. He tries to be a more subdued version of who he used to be. It works, more or less. Or maybe, it's just been so long that everyone accepts this is the way he is now. Either way, his mother stops crying and Kuroo stops pestering.

 

After all, Kenma never really spoke much before the procedure. It's not like much has changed. On the outside, anyways.

 

\---

 

Years go by, and Kenma becomes used to it; the dull feeling in his chest. The nothingness. He forgets about the letter completely and throws himself into school and volleyball. 

 

When he's fifteen, he decides to rearrange his room completely. The bed gets moved across the room, the games systems go into the corner. He takes the books off the shelf before moving the small wooden bookcase and the white paper falls to the ground.

 

He pauses. Kenma picks the paper up and carefully unseals the sticker before reading. 

 

The note is written in red ink, his penmanship sloppy, but he can read it just fine. He can read every word like he just wrote it. He folds it back up and drops it in his desk, face pinched.

 

Kenma shoves all the books back into the shelf, in no particular order, and drops into the bed. He burrows under the blankets and stares at the pale blue wall in front of him. The note had been full of emotion. Full of love and life, full of feelings.

 

But Kenma can't feel anything now.

 

He can't even bring himself to cry.

 

\---

 

When Kuroo starts high school, he starts dating. 

 

Kenma teases him, and listens to him prattle on about Mimi and Tsubomi. And that one boy, Aki, that Kenma will never forget. Just like a best friend should.

 

They spend less time together when Kuroo is with someone.

 

Kenma imagines them dating, thinks about Kuroo walking home with them, holding hands and kissing.

 

He wonders if it could have been him, if he hadn't been so scared.

 

It haunts him; keeps him awake at night.

 

\---

 

Kenma wants to feel something,  _ anything _ at all. 

 

It's an accident, at first. While chopping potatoes, the knife slips and catches his thumb. Kenma hisses and shoves the small cut into his mouth. 

 

Kenma blinks. He felt that. He felt pain and surprise. 

 

He lifts the knife with his right hand and stares at his reflection in the shiny metal surface. Kenma hardly recognizes his own reflection anymore. Maybe he should dye his hair?

 

The front door opening startles him out of his trance like state and he pops his thumb free of his mouth. The cut is small and no longer bleeding, so Kenma begins again, filing that information away for later.

 

\---

 

Kenma can't be sloppy with this, he knows. He shares a locker room with twenty other boys. Nothing on his arms or calves; the jerseys wouldn't cover it. Chest, maybe? He frowns in the mirror but decides his upper, inner thighs are the best chance. No one would look there. He grateful, for once, that Kuroo is older than him and already in high school. 

 

He can hide stuff from anyone else, but Kuroo would know.

 

Kenma brings up the razor, applies pressure, and  _ feels _ . He feels pain, burning and stinging, licking across his thigh as the blade moves. He can  _ feel _ . 

 

\--

 

Kuroo notices, because of course he does.

 

Not for a while, though. Kenma makes it through the first week of volleyball practice with Kuroo at Nekoma before the raven haired teen confronts him.

 

“What happened to your thighs?” He questions as the walk home. Kenma purses his lips and focuses on his game even harder. Kuroo rolls his eyes and steps closer.

 

“You can't ignore me forever. Is it your muscles? Do you have muscle fatigue? Nekoma practices can be rough." Kuroo guesses. Kenma shrugs as his hero dies on screen and shoves the game into his pocket.

 

“Maybe that's what it's called.” He mumbles. Kuroo hums and nods. He knows Kuroo isn't convinced, can tell but the way the other man's dark eyes don't leave him until he closes his front door.

 

\---

 

It's late, and Kenma's tired, but he can't sleep.

 

He can't even feel the pain of the razor anymore. It stopped burning and stinging and became just as routine as the rest of his day. He stares at the drawer that he knows holds the letter and grits his teeth. It's annoying, not being able to feel anything. It's painful, but in a slow, dull sort of way.

 

It's like he's stuck in limbo, unable to feel anything, but just on the edge of breaking. He can't take it anymore.

 

\--

 

It's one am, the night before second year begins, and Kenma is standing on the edge. 

 

Literally.

 

He stands on the edge of the long bridge he and Kuroo cross everyday on the way home. It's still chilly at night, and Kenma thinks he should have brought a jacket, but it would have been a waste. He shivers as a gust of wind ruffles his hair and he swallows as he stares into the dark water beneath him.

 

He's tired of being like this. Living in this meaningless existence. 

 

He's tired of not being able to cry or laugh. He's tired of bleeding himself dry but still feeling nothing. He's tired of pretending he's normal and okay, because he hasn't been since he was eleven.

 

Kenma wrote a note before he left his room, full of apologies and assurances that it was no one's fault. He wonders if Kuroo will be sad, or if it'll even matter. He has a girlfriend at the moment, right?

 

He's not even scared that this will probably kill him. He just wants to feel something.

 

Kenma closes his eyes and lets himself fall.

 

A hand closes around his shirt and jerks him back before his feet leave the bridge. He's sailing backwards into a warm body, strong arms wrapped tight around his front. They tumble to the ground and Kenma is flung to the side. 

 

He lays on his side and breathes heavily, adrenaline coursing through his body. He’s trembling, but not just because of the chill. He feels- 

 

Hands are jerking him onto his back roughly and a familiar mop of black hair fills his vision. Kenma stares wide eyed into the furious eyes of his best friend.

 

“What the hell were you thinking?!” Kuroo shouts. “Do you know how cold that water is right now?! If you had jumped you would have- you would have  _ died _ , Kenma!” Kuroo's breathing is coming out in shuddering puffs, his eyes have gone from angry to scared and incredulous. “Why would you do that??”

 

He drops his head against Kenma's chest, fists clenched tight in Kenma's too thin sweater. He can feel Kuroo trembling above him, his hot breath puffing against Kenma's collar bone. 

 

Kenma sucks in a deep breath, covers his mouth with one hand and sobs.

 

Kuroo inhales sharply and stills. Kenma is… Kenma is crying?

 

Kenma closes his eyes tightly, covers his face with both hands. He's sobbing heavily, breaths shuddering and body shaking with the force behind them.  _ He's crying! _

 

He feels!

 

He feels sad and scared and cold and overwhelmed-

 

He feels  _ happy. _

 

Kuroo kneels up off of Kenma and swallows around a lump in his throat before pulling Kenma up into his arms. He holds him tight, one arm around his waist and the other cupping the back of his head.

 

Kenma buries his face in Kuroo's neck and clings to the other teen's back, sobs not letting up.

 

“Don't ever do something that stupid again. Ever.” He whispers harshly. Kenma nods and snuffles, trying to calm his breathing. 

 

They sit in silence for a while with Kenma trying to figure out how to breathe again and Kuroo simply clinging to the smaller male. When Kenma can finally breathe, he pulls away enough to look Kuroo in the eyes. He sniffs and gives a small watery smile.

 

“I'm okay now.” He croaks. Kuroo is still unconvinced. His grip on Kenma only eases a fraction. He's afraid if he let's go, Kenma's going to disappear; that he'll throw himself over the bridge anyways. Kenma can see that fear written all over a he other's face. He feels guilty, and that makes him feel giddy. He can  _ feel _ things now.

 

“I love you, Kenma.” Kuroo announces. “I've loved you for a long time. Do you know how scared I was when I saw you up on that railing?” 

 

Kenma swallows around a lump in his throat. This can't be happening. He runs a shaky hand through his hair, eyes dropping to the cement beneath them.

 

“Mikiko-san wouldn't be happy to hear that.” Kenma mumbles. Kuroo rolls his eyes.

 

“Fuck Mikiko.” Kenma's eyes widen and his head jerks back up. “We're only going out because she asked and I wasn't seeing anyone at the time.” He explains. Kenma blinks.

 

“Kuroo, I can't-” 

 

Kuroo covers Kenma's mouth with both hands, face pinched.

 

“You don't have to answer. I don't expect anything in return. But I needed to tell you. I almost lost you and I-” he exhales heavily before dropping his forehead to rest on Kenma's shoulder. 

 

Kenma gets it now. It's an adrenaline fuelled confession. Kuroo's confused friendship with love in all the excitement. He's simultaneously relieved yet disappointed. Kenma brings a hand up to pet Kuroo's head.

 

“So that's what this is.” 

 

“Yes, asshole, that's what this is. I took for granted the time I had with you. I thought I still had time, but you had to go and get suicidal!” He picks his head up and glares at the younger teen.

 

“How dare you make me confront my feelings in a timely manner.” He jokes. Kenma snorts and shakes his head, eyes downcast. Kuroo cups Kenma's cheeks and tilts his head back up before pressing their foreheads together.

 

“Seriously though,” he whispers, eyes shining in the glow of the street lamps, “please… don't ever do that again.” 

 

Kenma is taken aback by the raw emotion in his best friend's eyes. He gives a small nod and Kuroo smiles.

 

Kenma would do anything to protect that smile.

 

\---

 

When he gets back to his bedroom, he rips up the suicide note and throws it all in the trash. 

 

He feels lighter than he has in ages.

 

\---

 

“I broke up with Mikiko this morning.” Kuroo announces at lunch. Kenma blinks up at the older man in surprise. Yaku tilts his head in confusion.

 

“Why? It's only been two weeks.” Kuroo hums and leans back in his seat.

 

“It was only out of convenience. I told her it wasn't fair to her or the person I like to be in a relationship I'm not serious about.” he replies with a grin. Kenma chokes on his water.

 

“Mmm.” Yaku hums, eyes flicking to Kenma for a brief moment. “So you've decided to get serious then?” Kuroo shrugs and takes a bite of his yakisoba bun.

 

“I've always been serious about it. But now I want them to know how serious I am.” 

 

Kenma studiously ignores the glances being shot in his direction as he finishes lunch. Kuroo smiles at the pink cheeks and props his hand in his chin to stare at Kenma better.

 

\---

 

Second year is a whirlwind from start to finish, especially after he meets the boisterous teen from Karasuno. Hinata slams into his life like a whirlwind and turns everything topsy turvy.

 

Hinata is his first kiss.

 

It happens last day of joint practice, after the festivities, while everyone is saying their goodbyes and promising to keep in touch. Hinata shyly asks if it'd be alright to keep in contact with the older teen. Kenma agrees, of course, because the teen just has something about him. 

 

He reminds him of a young Kuroo, maybe.

 

They're standing close to exchange contact details, and maybe Kenma should have heard the warning signs. This was too cliche of a set up for something to not go wrong. 

 

“Watch out!” is called a second too late and Taketora is falling into Kenma's back. The pudding haired teen stumbles, crashing into Hinata, and they're falling.

 

Hinata's back hits the dirt and Kenma lands on his chest, eyes clenched tight. He feels a stinging in his lips and knows he probably busted it. There's shouting around them, hoots and hollering, and Kenma opens his eyes to see what's happened.

 

Hinata is wide eyed beneath him, eyes crossed to look at Kenma. Their lips are flush, and Kenma gets it now. Hands are yanking him up and away, Kuroo's hands are on his face, looking deep in his eyes, expression panicked.

 

“Kenma, tell me that wasn't your first! Was it?!” 

 

Kenma covers his lips with one hand, and ducks his head, cheeks already darkening with color. Kuroo groans loudly and covers his face with both hands. He quickly whirls and points a furious finger at Taketora.

 

“You!! This is your fault!! You took Kenma's first kiss from me!!” Taketora frantically stammers apologies, tries to explain “It was Ryuu!” but Ryuu is already trying to hide from a furious Karasuno setter. 

 

Hinata is still sitting in the dirt, face in his hands, everything pink including his ears. Suga is trying to comfort the young boy, but also trying not to laugh, and Kenma really just wants to disappear.

 

\---

 

The walk home is mostly silent, and Kenma can't think of anything to break it. He knows Kuroo is still brooding over the fact that Hinata got his first kiss, but no amount of “It was an accident, not a kiss” would appease him. They reach Kenma's home first, and the younger man pauses.

 

“I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?” He asks softly. Kuroo's face softens as he turns to Kenma. 

 

“Definitely.” He agrees. Before Kenma can chicken out, he pushes up onto his tip toes and presses a quick kiss to Kuroo's cheek. 

 

He doesn't look back as he rushes into the house; he doesn't want Kuroo to see how red his face is.

 

\--

 

Kuroo applies for T University, and Kenma has no doubt that he'll make it. Kuroo wants to study sports medicine, and the T University volleyball team is one of the best in the region. Kenma stares at his blank Life Planning sheet and wonders what he should do with his life.

 

For years, he's blindly followed Kuroo, no matter where that led him. He glances out the classroom window and his eyes immediately find that familiar mop of dark hair strolling across the courtyard.

 

Kuroo is stopped by a couple girls, and Kenma frowns in distaste at the obvious flirting. But, Kuroo had kept true to his word. He turned everyone down, all with the excuse of already being in love. Kenma feels his cheeks heating up and turns back to his blank paper.

 

Maybe it wouldn't be so bad to follow Kuroo for a bit longer?

 

\---

 

Suddenly, it's time for graduation, and Kenma isn't ready for this. He can't do this without Kuroo. Sure, he plays volleyball for himself now, but Kuroo had always been there, right beside him, two doors down, two steps away. Kenma doesn't know how to be a leader; he's  _ always _ followed Kuroo's lead. 

 

Now Kuroo is graduating and moving into an apartment to be closer to the university. Kuroo is leaving the Nekoma team in his hands. Kuroo is leaving him behind, and Kenma isn't ready yet.

 

Kuroo finds him in the stairwell, sitting in the windowsill. Kenma's not surprised; Kuroo always finds him. Kuroo can read him better than Kenma can read anyone else. Kuroo my be dense when it comes to certain things, but never about Kenma.

 

He doesn't talk, he simply wraps his arms around Kenma's shoulders and tugs the shorter man against him. Kenma buries his face in Kuroo's stomach, arms coming up wrap around his waist, and inhales shakily.

 

After a few long moments of silence, Kuroo speaks.

 

“You're not alone anymore, Kenma.” He says quietly. And Kenma knows. He knows he has the support of the whole team. He knows he won't be alone here, but- “You're not losing me either.” Kuroo finishes.

 

“T University is only a thirty minute train ride away. I'll still be two doors down from you.”

 

“But-” Kenma begins to protest; he knows he saw apartment listings in Kuroo's room last month, so why-?

 

“You're not the only one who's scared of being left alone.” Kuroo squeezes, just a little bit tighter, and Kenma gets it. He tightens his grip on Kuroo.

 

They stay there, simply holding one another for another few minutes until Yaku comes up to complain about them holding up the graduation party.

 

They hold hands on the walk to the club room.

 

\---

 

Kenma is nervous about leading a team, but he manages. He's not alone. Taketora always backs him up, and the first years show good potential.

 

He doesn't see Kuroo every day anymore, but they text frequently. Kuroo sends him pictures of the university cat, his delicious looking lunch, and occasionally a selfie. Kenma won't admit it if Kuroo ever asks, but he always saves the selfies.

 

And the cat pictures.

 

\---

 

He decides to send a selfie to Kuroo one day, during a study session at Taketora's house. He angles the phone just so, so Taketora is visible in the background looking incredibly confused and snaps it.

 

He sends it immediately, because he knows if he takes time to examine it, he'll change his mind, but he decides to look at the photo afterwards. His hair is pinned in the middle with black bobby pins, and he's wearing Kuroo's red hoodie that the man left over a few days before. His lips are pursed and he's thrown up a silly peace sign, because he didn't know what to do with his hands.

 

He looks cute.

 

Kenma immediately tucks the phone away and resumes his work, cheeks slightly pink. 

 

He can't believe he actually sent that.

 

\---

 

When he visits Kuroo a few days later, he plans to use Kuroo's phone to order pizza while his charges. When he turns the phone on, his eyes widen and he immediately puts it back down. He uses the house phone to call instead.

 

Kuroo can't understand why Kenma's cheeks are so pink that evening.

 

Kenma can't understand why Kuroo would make that photo his background.

 

\---

 

Summer break is here, and that means training camp. Kuroo offers to help, but Kenma immediately declines. He doesn't know if he can handle having Kuroo around all week and still maintain the “no nonsense” reputation he's made for himself with the first years.

 

But Kuroo comes anyways, of course.

 

Karasuno shows up, and Kenma goes to pay his respects to the new Captain. He finds Kuroo harassing the mismatched duo instead. 

 

Kenma immediately knows something's wrong with Yamaguchi. His coloring is off, and he's definitely lost weight; not that he's seen the teen lately. When Yamaguchi clears his throat, Kenma hears it over the noise of all the students; the tell tale rattle of chest congestion.

 

Kenma hopes for once he's wrong.

 

\---

 

He's not wrong.

 

Yamaguchi goes down in the middle of practice and can't get back up. 

 

He's puking out flowers and blood; it's been more than a few months, obviously. Tsukishima is panicked and won't let anyone get too close; Nishinoya is providing crowd control, and the coaches are calling for help.

 

Kenma is trembling minutely, adrenaline beginning to spike. It's been seven years since he's seen the disease this close but it still scares him. It still makes him shudder. It still makes him think “that could have been me.”

 

Kuroo is wrapping him in his arms, turning Kenma's face into his shoulder instead of looking at the scene in front of them.

 

“It's okay. He'll be okay now.” The teen whispers into his hair. Kenma feels kind of guilty; Kuroo thinks he's this worried over Yamaguchi. And while yes, he is worried for the younger boy, he's more concerned with how the display made his heart clench and his stomach churn in a way it hasn't since he was eleven. 

 

Kenma clenches Kuroo's jacket and wills the phantom flutters away.

 

\---

 

The training camp continues on, sans Yamaguchi. 

 

Instead of being down about it and having difficulties playing, the Karasuno team plays even harder; “Carrying on Yamaguchi's spirit”, they said. Kenma thinks it's silly, but it's definitely something Kuroo would have done too. Their captain is a good captain.

 

Kuroo left after the first day. He claims he just wanted to make sure everyone was behaving and actually making progress. Kenma knows he really just wanted to be nosy. He misses his team.

 

Kuroo is waiting for him at the bridge near their house on the last day of training. Kenma returns Kuroo's smile and dutifully regales him with tales of the training camp. How Taketora took a ball to the face, and Yamaguchi video called from the hospital. How Hinata and Kageyama got caught with their pants down in the shower stalls.

 

Literally.

 

Kenma invites Kuroo over for dinner; his mom let him know they'd be out tonight, so he's going to eat leftovers alone. Kuroo happily agrees.

 

When Kenma leaves Kuroo alone in his room so he can shower real quick, he doesn't give it a second thought. Kuroo is like family. They've both been in and out of each other's houses since they were nine.

 

But when he comes back in, shirtless and towel drying his hair, his stomach plummets. He wishes he hadn't left the older teen alone.

 

Kuroo has the letter in his hands. He's reading it. Kenma drops the towel and storms across the room to rip the letter out of the taller teen's hands. Kuroo blinks, startled, and stares down at Kenma's irritated face.

 

“Kenma, what is that?” Kuroo asks, eyebrows furrowed. The setter folds the paper gently  places it back into the desk drawer before shutting it with more force than probably necessary.

 

“None of your business.” Kenma answers, voice quiet but fierce. His stomach has turned to lead, his blood to ice. Had he read it? How much had he read?

 

They stand in silence for a while, as Kenma stares at the wooden desk and Kuroo bores holes into the back of his head with his eyes. Kuroo is the first to break the silence.

 

“Monday, when Yamaguchi was sick, you knew what it was.” It's not a question, and Kenma's shoulders tense. “Why did you know, Kenma?” Kuroo's voice is soft.

 

“You read the note. You know why.” Kenma murmurs, fingers tight on the edge of the drawer. He bites his lips, pretends he doesn't feel the stinging in his eyes.

 

“I need you to say it. I need to hear you say it, Kenma.” Kuroo whispers, voice trembling. Kenma hangs his head, shoulders shaking.

 

“I had Hanahaki. I had it removed. Because I-” he sobs, “because I was so terrified of  _ dying _ that I-” Kuroo spins him around and crushes the teen to his chest, arms tight around Kenma's back. 

 

Kenma sobs into Kuroo's jacket, fingers gripping the fabric tightly. Kuroo doesn't say anything, and Kenma is grateful. He simply cradles the smaller body to his chest and strokes his hair soothingly.

 

\---

 

When Kenma is cried out, Kuroo deposits him on the bed and finds him a shirt to wear. He crawls into the bed, back to the wall, and spreads his arms wide. Kenma happily crawls into them, curling against the older man's chest.

 

“I still love you, Kenma.” Kuroo murmurs, fingers sliding through the blonde strands. “I don't care if you can't ever return my feelings; they're not going to change.”

 

Kenma hides his watery eyes in Kuroo's red hoodie.

 

\---

 

“I thought you were going to T University with Kuroo?” Lev questions. Yaku hums in agreement around his mouthful of ice cream.

 

They're on one of their bi-weekly “double dates” as Lev and Kuroo have taken to calling them. Today, Kenma wanted ice cream, even though it's nearly too cold for it. He's always been a firm believer that ice cream season is every season, though.

 

“Daikokojin has a better graphics and art department. I thought I might give video game designing a try.” He shrugs nonchalantly. He's a little nervous about what his friends will say, what Kuroo will say. He hadn't told anyone he was applying for Daikokojin just in case he didn't make it in. 

 

He knows he can't follow Kuroo blindly forever. He has to make a place for himself to stand next to Kuroo or nothing will ever change.

 

“Awesome!” Lev cheers. Kenma startles at the sudden increase in volume. Yaku elbows the younger man with a frown before turning a soft smile on Kenma.

 

“I think you'd be great at something like that.” Yaku says. Lev nods excitedly next to him.

 

“Definitely!!”

 

Kenma smiles softly at his strawberry ice cream, suddenly bashful under all the attention. Kuroo's hand grips his under the table, and he doesn't even need to look up to know Kuroo is beaming with pride. He can feel the loving stare on the side of his head. 

 

He quietly shrugs and resumes eating his ice cream. Kuroo picks up the cue and directs the conversation away from Kenma's university choice, but keeps their fingers interlocked under the table.

 

Kenma doesn't mind.

 

\---

 

When Kenma graduates, Kuroo is waiting at the front gate for him, bouquet of pink and white lilies in hand. The man is wearing a suit, his hair partially slicked back; he looks handsome. The volleyball team whoops and catcalls, making Kenma blush, but Kuroo simply grins and passes off the bouquet. 

 

“Congratulations on your graduation, Kenma.” He says sincerely. Kenma smiles softly and nods.

 

“Thanks, Kuroo.”

 

\---

 

After a good twenty minutes of picture taking with Kenma's parents, the volleyball team, and a simple selfie with Kuroo, they're finally allowed to leave. Kenma's parents offered them a ride in the car, but Kuroo politely declined.

 

“This'll be the last time we get the walk home together like this.” Kuroo had explained. Mrs. Kozume had nodded, eyes suspiciously wet, and taken Kenma's flowers home ahead of him to put them in a vase.

 

As they walk, Kenma can't stop stealing glances at Kuroo. The older man didn't dress up frequently, nor did he style his hair often. Kenma wants to run his fingers through the black hair and he's not sure how he feels about that. But, it's been a mostly silent walk, and Kenma knows there's something Kuroo wants to say.

 

“What's up?” He asks. Kuroo smiles, like he was simply waiting on Kenma to ask.

 

“We should move in together.” Kuroo announces. Kenma's feet stop moving.

 

“What?” He murmurs. Because surely Kuroo didn't mean for them to be roommates; not after all that's been said between them. Kuroo turns to face the shorter man, small smile on his face and hands tucked in his pockets.

 

“Now that you’re starting college, you'll be going out on a different schedule. We already don't get much time anymore with me being in school, but it'll be harder for us to spend time together when we both have college responsibilities.” Kuroo shrugs.

 

“So, why not move in together? Then, we'll see each other every day.” 

 

Kenma gnaws at the inside of his lip. Kuroo is really asking for a lot here. He's essentially asking Kenma to bare witness to his becoming a man. College is where drinking parties and one night stands happen. Kenma would know; Bokuto brags about it enough. Kenma knows it's unfair, but he doesn't think he can bare seeing Kuroo bring home other people. 

 

He has no rights to Kuroo, he gave those up years ago. But, just thinking about Kuroo walking in the front door with another person makes his stomach churn. Hearing Kuroo brag about it would be bad enough, but if had to live there as well and see it all the time, Kenma isn't sure he'd be able to handle it.

 

“Kuroo, I'm not sure that's a good idea.” Kenma tentatively answers. Kuroo tilts his head in confusion.

 

“Why?” Kenma can't believe he's about to have to spell this out for him.

 

“You're going to want to explore and bring people home, and that's okay, but I don't think I can…” Kenma trails off, shoulders hunching. Kuroo scoffs.

 

“I really thought I was being obvious about my feelings, Kenma. You can't honestly still be saying things like that.” Kenma looks up with a confused frown. 

 

“I love you, Kenma. You know that. I'm asking you to live with me because I don't want to spend time apart. I got spoiled, having you just down the street.” Kuroo grins. “I'm serious about you. I haven't dated anyone since Mikiko.”

 

Kenma's breath catches.

 

“But I- Kuroo, I can't-” 

 

Kuroo catches Kenma's hands in his own.

 

“I know.” He answers seriously. “After I found out, I did a lot of research-” Kenma can't hold back his startled snort. Kuroo grins and pinches Kenma's cheek with one hand. 

 

“You're an asshole, you know that? I know how to research when it's something important.”

 

“Your second year history report wasn't important, but I am?” Kenma asks jokingly, lips curling into a smile. Kuroo's eyes bore into Kenma's.

 

“Absolutely.” Kenma is stunned silent and Kuroo continues.

 

“There's a Swiss scientist, a specialist in Hanahaki Disease, who's found a link in patients who had the plant removed early. Some of them have been able to fall in love again.” Kenma's heart seizes.

 

“What?” He breathes. Kenma had scoured the internet after surgery, trying to find people like him. People who had lost their emotions, people who had found them again; anything to give him hope. And while he had found people who had regained emotions, even people who had married and had kids, he hadn't found anyone who had managed to find romantic love again.

 

Kuroo gives a small smile and nods.

 

“There's no solid evidence though, considering emotions are complicated, but there was a patient who fell in love with her husband after twelve years of having the plant extracted. And recently, a man who fell in love after nine years. The doctor thinks it might be related to how quickly they had the surgery done.”

 

Kenma is stunned silent. 

 

It's possible… that he could fall in love with Kuroo again?

 

His heart races as butterflies erupt in his stomach. 

 

Kuroo's smile widens at the look in Kenma's eyes. He brings his hands up to cup Kenma's cheeks, tilts his head so their eyes meet.

 

“I'm not giving up on you Kenma. If there's even the slightest chance, I'll fight with you. I'll fight  _ for _ you. And even if nothing comes of it, even if you can't love me again, I'll stay with you forever.” 

 

Kenma's eyes are blurry with tears, but he's pretty sure Kuroo's are too. Kuroo presses their foreheads together, eyelids dropping closed. Kenma holds Kuroo's hands where they cup his cheeks.

 

“Move in with me, Kenma. Stay with me.” Kuroo whispers.

 

“Okay.” Kenma breathes.

 

And really, saying yes to Kuroo has always been as easy as breathing.

 

\---

 

“I’m so glad you decided to reach out to me. This information will be extremely beneficial in helping understand more about the disease and overcome the century long period of finding nothing new. I'll tape this interview, if you don't mind?” At Kenma's head shake, she presses record and places the tape recorder on the table. 

 

“Today is April 12th, of 20XX. Would you mind stating your name?”

 

“Kozume Kenma.”

 

“Thank you. And your age?”

 

“Twenty-one.”

 

“And when did you have your Extraction done? At what age?”

 

“Ten years ago. I was ten.” 

 

“That's incredibly young. Do you mind me asking for the name of the person you were in love with?”

 

“Kuroo Tetsurou.”

 

“Thank y- wait.” Dr. Swan pauses and shuffles her notes. “It says here that you're in a relationship with a Kuroo Tetsurou as well. Are they perhaps the same person?”

 

“Mhm.”

 

“When did you recognize the feelings you hold for him as “love”?” She asks. Kenma pauses to think.

 

“I didn't recognize until probably a year ago.”

 

“So, you managed to fall in love with Kuroo-san for a second time last year?”

 

Kenma is silent for a moment, mulling over his words.

 

“If I can be honest..?” Dr. Swan nods eagerly, “I really can't pick just one instance that made me fall in love again, or say “Oh, I love him.” I've just always felt this way about Tetsu. To tell you the truth, I'm not sure I ever stopped loving him.”

 

Kenma rubs his thumb against the plain gold band circling his third finger and smiles softly.

 

“It's really hard not to love someone who always loves you unconditionally, even when you can't love yourself.”


End file.
